Incognito

"The American People"

The top Google result for the phrase “The American People” — as of this writing...

Things I Learned About My Dad (In...

A while back, I was lucky enough to get an e-mail out of the blue from Heather Armstrong, inviting...

Note to Identity Thieves: It's Worth It...

Subject: Kind Attention, From (FBI USA)From: Agent Larry Hans (FBI) [fbi@fbi.com] CYBER WIRETAP AND...

Notes from Austin

Of course, the very first actual Texan I saw in Texas had a Zapata. The phrase “Keep Austin...

On the Other Hand, Now They Know How to...

Once you have kids, the phrase “syrup fight” is a much less enjoyable way to start a...

7:15pm: "What Do You Mean Today Is...

You know what’s awesome? I’ll tell you what’s awesome. A guy buying the cheap...

Town to Town, Up and Down the Dial

Joanne and I are in the bathroom, getting dressed, and I look up and say, “You know what...

End of the Sledding Trip

Start of the Sledding Trip

It's Fifty-Fifty That a Horse Gets the...

John Moe, of Weekend America, did a great profile of the head (and only paid member) of Ron...

Sad, Sweet One-Act Play, Told Entirely By a Burger King...

Half a Life, Indeed

It rained all last night, and this morning the ground was still wet when I went outside to the car,...

The Fifteen Second Game

The boys and I have a game we play, every single morning. I say, “Put your shoes on”...

Superior Idioleptonemaographed!

Superior Idioleptonemaography

Taking cell-phone pictures of the top of your head to see if you really are as balding as people...

Also, the Phrase "Merlin's Twitter."

Greg Knauss: You're like the white, male Oprah.
Michael Genrich: Oh, Christ. Do I have to sleep with Stedman?
Greg Knauss: And do that thing he likes.
Michael Genrich: I have but one tongue.
Greg Knauss: That's what the surgery will fix.
twitter@twitter.com: hotdogsladies: Viggo Mortensen has completely changed the way I think about insanely brutal nude fight scenes.
Greg Knauss: You just see Merlin's Twitter?
Greg Knauss: Somehow my various direct and async conversations are lining up.
Michael Genrich: I...
Michael Genrich: Uh, I am not sure what to say.
Greg Knauss: Also, the phrase "Merlin's Twitter."

We’ve Defeated Batman and Col. Mustard, Sir, and Taken...

Tough as Nails

You know how cowboys will jump off their horses and grab errant calves by the horns and bring them...

Axe, Not the Body Spray

“OK, dude, I’m sorry. But you seriously need to get over it.” “I know! ...

Along a Continuum

I’m standing in line at the gas station, with my half-gallon of caffeine and bubbles, and the...

Mechanization and Standardization

I have this little speech that I like to give to business types anytime they need convincing that...

Estimated Value: $500

I can’t tell if domainsquatter.com has content or not.

On Jesus' Birthday, We Got the Gift

And then that Indian-giver God took it back, before we were finished playing with it.

FM with BS

When I’m in the car, I mostly listen to KPCC, a public radio station run out of Pasadena City...

The Christmas Lawn Sculpture Orgy of...

My wife is a wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman, who unfortunately has absolutely abysmal taste in...

Lesson Learned

Donald Knuth said, “Premature optimization is the root of all evil.” But now I’m...

Nostalgia Isn't What It Used to Be

I once read that if you want to sell someone a piano, you figure out what was on the radio when...

Because It's Statistically Significant

When I list the people I’ve had sex with, am I allowed to count myself?

This Observation Just Arrived from 1992

The screech of analog handshakes is the sound of machines falling in love.

Journalism Was Dead Long Before Blogs

I accidentally stepped in some local news last night, announced by its ISO-standard mating...

Four-Letter President

As the Bush Administration lurches towards its place on the ash-heap of history, it’s time to...

The Good Kind of "Uh-Oh"

Mike: Uh-oh.
Me: What? What "uh-oh"?
Mike: Um. Nothing. Never mind.
Me: Mike. Out with it. What "uh-oh"?
Mike: The good kind of "uh-oh."
Me: There is no good kind of "uh-oh."
Mike: Yes, there is. Like "tears of joy."

Bubble Wrap Remains the Best Thing Ever

Can't We Disintermediate the End-Points,...

The trouble with social networks is that there’s always people on the other end, and people...

I Don't Even Want to Know What Counted...

The best resume I ever got, in response to an ad for a programmer, was from a guy who listed four...

[Obligatory Charities-Are-Good...

After I pulled up to the order board at the McDonald’s drive-through and listened to the perky...

Maybe "Rebel Getting Caught Ship" Was...

When you think about it, the Rebel blockade runner did a pretty wretched job of actually running a...

Complete Receipt Defeat

I recently bought a four-pack of Play-Doh — big plans for the weekend — at my local...

The Value Proposition

People — actual human beings, those fleshy things that keep trying to talk to me as I type...

You Really Want to Avoid the Tractor...

There is no small measure of irony in the fact that, as the American corporation — that...

Are You Gonna Find Me Or Not?

Maybe Trekkers Are Intentionally...

Sometimes parenthood feels like an eighteen year Kobayashi Maru.

Knock It Off, Pavlov -- It's Not Funny...

Driving home the other day, I was listening to one of those overly-earnest interviews they do on NPR...

“This Thanksgiving, Remember: Keep American Immigrant-Free! ...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

“gravel2008.us? Was the .com Already Taken? Come On!”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

“Huckabee, Buckabee, Me Mi Mo Muckabee, Banana Fanna Fo...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Wildly Popular Exclusivity

KCRW, the NPR station in Santa Monica, is giving away screener tickets to a new movie to their...

“Neil Kinnock Joe Biden for President!”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

The Third Magisterium

In “The God Delusion,” part of Richard Dawkins purpose is to do away with Stephen Jay...

“If You Liked Ross Perot, You’ll Love Ron Paul! Oh. ...”
— Rejected Capmaign Slogans,...

Dear Hipsters

Will you please push your hair out of your faces? God! It’s driving me crazy. You know how...

“Greetings, Earthlings! Splurn Meebzor! Dennis Kucinich for...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

My Paternal Grandparents, Hanging Out in Front of a Cannon

The Red LeBaron

You know those stick figures that people glue to the back windows of their cars, showing their...

Lazy Blog Posting and Philosophy

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, OK, all right.

“Hunter in ‘08: Because Proto-Fascists Deserve...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Management is About Problem Solving

“Give up in despair” is a plan that always works.

Perfume Is in Aisle 6, with Solvents

The other night, I was in Home Depot, buying some damned thing in a futile attempt to keep the house...

“Dodd for Presiden— Hey! What the Hell is So Funny?”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

I've Got a New Attitude

It was inevitable that someone, at some point, would hand me a badly Xeroxed sheet of paper with a...

“Keyes for Insane 14th Century Despot! Or Whatever You Have...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

I'll See You, Pascal, and Raise You My...

The other day, I passed a car that had a “What You Do With Jesus Christ Determines Where You...

Admit It -- You Always Knew

The other day, on “Morning Edition,” Cokie Roberts was discussing changes in poll...

Five Points for Presentation

I cooked dinner last night, and discovered that I don’t so much cut up a chicken as desecrate...

“Edwards in ‘08: White, Male, Southern, Great Hair...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Anti-Vaccine

What I want is an anti-vaccine, something that’s finally going to get me sick. Instead of...

Are Gas Pumps Really Accurate to a...

No. Paragraph T.2.1.2 (b) of the National Institute of Standards and Technology Handbook 44,...

“Avuncular, Sonorous, Reassuring — Thompson for...”
— Rejected Campaign Slots,...

“Richardson for President! No? Vice President? How about...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

“Romney ‘08: Even His Underwear is Conservative!”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

DPSFV Salutes the Military, Democrats,...

At some point, someone put me on a Democratic Party of the San Fernando Valley mailing list, and so...

“The Fifteenth Amendment Came Before the Twentieth — I...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Dear Christmas

Get the hell away from me. It’s early November, you son of a bitch. You don’t belong...

Twenty-Year-Old Conversation Repeated...

Me: I worked on the newspaper in high school.
Son: Nerd!

Utterly Failing to Get Things Done

Here’s how sadly, mindlessly mechanical I’ve become in my devotion to the Getting Things...

“I Spent Five Years in a Box, Goddammit, a Box! You Owe This...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

The Non-Euphemistic Way to “Feed the Giraffe”

Either Way, Someone is Going to Be...

Namespace Collision: Spring Awakening, the musical about the sexual self-discovery of late...

“Clinton for President: Peace and Prosperity — This...”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Back in the Habit, Apparently

Greg Knauss: "I really need to get out more, don't I." Yes. For someone with already dangerous meta levels, you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near DeLillo or Web 2.0 feature talks. You're going to abstract yourself out of existence.
Michael Sippey: post that!
Greg Knauss: I need to get back in the habit of assuming everything I say is interesting enough to preserve forever.

“It’s Giuliani Time!”
— Rejected Campaign Slogans,...

Wide vs. Deep

I’ve got this theory about what it’s like to be a manager and what it’s like to...